Do you walk around in guilt? My side of a conversation with one woman went something like this: I feel guilty that my children did not take swimming lessons this summer. I also feel guilty because I am not sure I pushed them enough to practice their reading or math skills. On the flip side, I feel guilty as I begin to wonder if I gave them enough “down time” to relax and enjoy their summer off from the rigors of the school year! The guilt continues…Am I allowed to waste a few beans when I am tired of freezing them? Am I “green” enough? Do I spend enough time giving myself the relaxation I need? Am I too selfish with my time? Guilt – it seems that we all live with it. As I have been thinking about this, I noticed something. What is the recurring theme in the above sentences? I…my…me. Today I got a reality check as I read 1 Thessalonians 1:8-10, a passage which pleads with us to look beyond ourselves:

He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you.

This blog often talks about the “eternal perspective” that I think we should focus on. And here it struck me again. There will come a time when some people will be punished. This punishment includes being “shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power.” What would that be like? Can you imagine being shut out from God’s presence? How hopeless that would feel – to be shut out from seeing God’s power. But that’s not all…

Those of us who believe will be there marveling at the God we see. Marveling. Not just a side-glance at a super-power as we walk by on our way to swimming lessons, but a jaw-dropping, celebratory, joyful marveling at God. That’s the “eternal perspective.” With our entire beings focused on marveling at God, there will be no room for guilt that my daughter did not take dance lessons.

Of course, that specific instance of marveling will be in the future. How does that help with the guilt we walk around with today? A few verses later Paul wrote, “May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” Jesus wants to encourage us now. We do not need to walk around in guilt about our activities when we focus on the “eternal hope” we have.

My children may not ever be Olympic Swimmers, and I may actually have to buy frozen vegetables by the end of the winter. Somehow, as we read other’s blogs about their amazing lives and as we compare them to our own lives, we must pull ourselves out of the guilt of not being the “best” at every aspect of life. If our feelings of guilt come from focusing too much on the “I…me…my” then we need to remind ourselves of the eternal encouragement Jesus wants to give.

Do you pray about everything? Every little thing? Would you be able to call yourself a “woman of prayer?” I know I talk about the importance of prayer, and I do honestly believe that prayer is vitally important. However, this past weekend I had many opportunities to practice what I preach.

My crazy weekend began on Friday when Miriam and I went on our annual shopping spree. The tradition began last year when we gave Miriam a certificate for her birthday giving her a certain amount of money to spend on clothes. It also guaranteed that she and I would go out to eat at a restaurant of her choice (within reason). We have anticipated this year’s spree since June, and it came at a great time for her to get the school clothes she needed. However, about ½ an hour before we were to leave my eyes began doing the “wiggling/fuzzy thing” that happens right before I get a migraine. I took some medicine and lay down for the ½ hour, and prayed. I did get a headache, but not to the extent of an all-out migraine. And, as I was in the Binghamton mall with Miriam and the headache was getting worse, I continued praying. I desperately did not want our special time together to be ruined by a headache. A few hours later, as the headache receded, I thanked God.

That night we went to bed with an eager dread of the next day when we would drive to JFK airport to bid Brian and Jen goodbye. We planned on spending a little time Saturday, after leaving the airport, going on the Staten Island ferry to see the Statue of Liberty, walking to Ground Zero and just being in lower Manhattan to show the kids “the city.” Well, Friday night Caleb repeatedly woke up vomiting. Since I have difficulty falling asleep once I am woken up, I did not sleep much that night but instead prayed for wisdom to know what to do the next day. As the day dawned Tim and I debated. Do we go and expose Brian and Jen’s kids? They needed a driver, so should only part of the family go? Which part? I would be the obvious choice. However, I hadn’t slept much and was concerned about the safety of me driving all the way down and back on very little sleep. After more praying, we decided to all go. Caleb was fine all day. We thanked God for a wonderful (although emotional) day. Of course, since we packed so much in, we didn’t get home until early morning Sunday.

Sunday morning I woke up early since I still needed to do the power point for the service. While typing, I noticed that my engagement ring was gone. Where in the world did it go? I very rarely take it off. I began praying and searching the car, my dresser, my purse…It wasn’t until after church (a very emotional service for me, as you might recall!! LOL) that Tim found the ring on our bedroom floor. I do recall having a dream of taking off my ring. Apparently I was so tired that I literally removed my ring in my sleep and it fell on the floor. Obviously, I thanked God that we found the ring.

That afternoon Miriam asked to use my cell phone. I hadn’t used it all day, so it was still on my dresser. She got it and quickly noticed that none of the buttons worked. As I examined it, I noticed a small “lock” icon in the corner of the screen as well as a “frozen” time of 4:35 a.m. So, now the question was…What in the world did I do in my sleep??? I definitely needed to get more bed-time!! Again I began praying. A few hours later, after removing the battery and then plugging it in, it began working again just like normal. I still have no idea what or why it locked. However, I did thank God that it now worked.

Well, that was my crazy weekend which aided me in realizing more of what it means to be a woman of prayer. All of the events were little things in the large picture of life. But isn’t that what being a woman of prayer is all about? Praying not just in the life-threatening crises of life, but about every situation we find ourselves in. Throughout all of these circumstances, I am striving to realize God’s ability to intervene as well as his desire to impart wisdom and other needed thoughts and emotions. I often fail, but this weekend God rained opportunities down on me to show me the need for praying through all circumstances.

Last week Tim and my dad took Miriam and Ryan on the annual YFC bike trip. They had a wonderful time. (Well at least my kids did. My father and Tim just keep saying that it was good, but I don’t know if I can truly trust them. How good can it be to ride tandem 40 miles a day for 5 days with an 8 or 11 year old? LOL) When Tim got home he told me about the campfire talks. Their theme revolved around understanding your perspective. Among other things, they touched on the story from 2 Kings when Elisha prays that his servant see the vast army of the Lord’s which was surrounding them (2 Kings 6:17)…

On Sunday, because Tim knew he would be tired from the bike trip and would have had little time to prepare, he arranged with John Dougherty to preach. What did he preach? The reason we have trouble. In his sermon he referred to Job and the discussion going on between God and Satan. Job’s problems actually had nothing to do with his own sin. It was caused because of an unseen discussion going on between powers beyond our world…

Meanwhile, last week I had been reading from Ephesians. Here are three verses which I have since been pondering:

“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.” (Eph. 2:1-2)

“This grace was given to me [Paul]: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Eph. 3:8-11)

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.” (Eph. 3:16)

Let me assure you, although I do believe in the supernatural, I think we need to be careful that we do not walk around scared of it. As in Elisha’s story, God is more powerful than the forces of darkness. And, if God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31). However, these ponderings brought up some interesting insights.

First, as Christians we say that we are filled with the Holy Spirit. That is true. We depend on the Holy Spirit to teach us, guide us and give us wisdom. But what if someone is not a Christian? Is that person devoid of any supernatural influence? Is that person “empty” until he/she becomes filled with the Holy Spirit? The Ephesians 2 verses written above seem to state that those who are not filled with the Holy Spirit do have a supernatural force at work in their lives. Only, it is teaching them disobedience. No, I don’t believe we can “cast out” this supernatural force in a non-believer because each person must willfully accept the Holy Spirit as a substitute for the spirit from the kingdom of the air.

The second observation I made: Now I understand another purpose of Christ coming to earth. He did come to save us (John 3:16). He did come to glorify God (Eph. 2:7). However, the second Ephesians verse written above seems to indicate that he also came to prove to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms that he is wise and had an eternal purpose of saving humanity. Here my imagination begins working… Can you see it? Humanity falls through Adam and Eve’s sin. The rulers and authorities of the supernatural world stand around questioning how God is going to get his creation out of this mess. They do not have all knowledge as God does. So, using the salvation brought by Christ, God raises up his church to prove to those supernatural beings his wisdom, love and power. He uses his salvation of us to reveal to the supernatural world his wisdom. He was not dumbfounded when humanity sinned. Instead, he allowed even the supernatural world to wonder a bit before he showed them his manifold wisdom in his eternal plan. Wow. We, the church, are being used by God to show something to beings beyond our world. That’s amazing.

We do not need to be frightened of the supernatural. However, we should be aware of it. These “coincidences” of the past week reminded me of that.

A few weeks ago we went camping in the Adirondacks with the Odells and Tim’s brother and family. Although both Tim and I attended the same college as Chriss and Andy, we only vaguely knew who each other were. Now that we live in the same area and have become friends, it is interesting to compare college notes from different angles. One evening as we discussed Houghton’s mandatory chapel system, I admitted that I only ever missed one chapel (and wouldn’t you know, it happened to be the one with the student-streaker which will go down as infamous college history!!). As I thought about why I attended chapel so faithfully, I realized that I always try to meet others’ expectations. Whatever I am supposed to do or asked to do, I will try to accomplish it to the best of my ability. As with many of you, I daily battle with the self-condemnation which comes when knowing I am not meeting either my own or someone else’s expectations, needs or desires. That’s why I so often wake up with regrets.

This morning, as I woke up, I began thinking of the Nursery School which ministered to children and families in our area for many years. Two years ago, through a variety of circumstances, the church’s 3-mornings-a-week preschool program had no director/head teacher with only one month before school started. Therefore, as pastor’s-wife-who-enjoys-education-and-who-rises-to-meet-expectations, I stepped in and taught for a year. It was a wonderful year (you can read some about it in the first few months of this blog – I was teaching during the 06-07 school year). However, due to a large graduating class and a lack of “new” children, we decided to close the preschool. So this summer Edith and I have been going through the “stuff” and dismantling it. This morning I woke up with regrets wondering if we made the right decision. Was I too selfish in not returning to teach even just a few children? Was I too hasty in deciding not to pursue this ministry? By donating the items to other programs, we are completely and absolutely closing this program. As I prayed about these regrets this morning, I noticed this verse from Galatians.

Who am I trying to please? Whose expectations am I living up to? In this instance I don’t want to “let down” the church and close a program which has been successful for so many years. However, I should not make decisions based on pleasing people. (I have heard people use this verse to “prove” they should cause disunity and strife because they are following God with no regard to anyone else. This verse must be used in conjunction with other passages of the Bible which talk about loving others and striving for unity). No, I don’t want to do anything which will hurt the church. But, as I prayed about it, I realized that my regrets regarding the preschool do not rest solely in not wanting to disappoint the church. The regret is based more in the desire to not let God down rather than pleasing the church. Because, if God wanted the program closed, then it doesn’t matter what people think/say.

As I prayed about my regrets for the preschool in light of displeasing God, I noticed a verse earlier in the chapter. “Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (1:3) Peace. God wants to grant us peace. It is too late to rethink decisions made in the past. And so, I pray that God will give peace.

Do you ever have regrets or second-guess decisions you have made? I think we all do. I have no counseling degree, but from these verses I think we can be assured that, when facing these regrets we must examine our motives. Are we pleasing God or man? If man, then we are working under expectations too heavy for us to accomplish. If God, then rest assured, if decisions are made with prayer, we must rely on God to show us his will and to then give the peace needed to live with our decisions.

…by believing you may have life in his name. Do you feel like you are really living life? This week we are at Houghton Family Camp for Zerbe family vacation, and my nephew said something that not only made me laugh, but it made me think. We were sitting around yesterday, July 29, discussing the week. Our conversation went something like this:

Caleb: The end of July is this week.
Tim: Yep, the end is on Thursday.
Ryan (just joining the conversation): No, the end is on Friday.
Tami: True, the end of Houghton camp is on Friday, but July ends on Thursday.
Tim: Yea, something ends Thursday and something ends Friday, but nothing ends today.
My young nephew (in a somber tone): Today is just a day when some random coupon expires.

LOL!!! That shows you the depths of our normal conversation around here!! As I said, I laughed at the randomness of the random coupon comment. However, it does make you think, huh? How do you look at the day? Is today a day that you have thanked God for who he is? Is today a day that you have counted your blessings? Is today a day that you have been in awe that God would love someone like you? Or, is today a day you are just existing through life – a day when some random coupon expires?

The stories of Jesus written in the Bible were written so we can believe, and that by believing we may have life. Life. Not just existence, but life. Granted, that does mean eternal life, but I don’t think life starts in eternity. We can have true, living, vibrant life here on earth, and I wonder if that life begins with the realization of who we are in relation to Jesus. Again I ask the questions, do I stand in awe of Jesus? Am I amazed that he would forgive someone like me? Am I completely ashamed of my sins while realizing that he loves me? Do I raise my hands to him or fall on my face in front of him understanding my total dependence and reliance on God not only for salvation but for all of life?

I want to end with a verse the speaker used today in chapel. For me it helps to sum up why we should celebrate the life we have. Read it. Ponder it. Be in awe of it. It is a familiar verse for many of us, but take this moment to be in awe of who God is and how he loves us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

Live life. Truly live life. Don’t settle for a “random coupon” day, but allow the awe of God’s love to stun you into life.

One spring when I was in college I held onto so many options for the summer break that my friends began calling me the “options woman.” It’s true. I like options and I do, generally speaking, like to be busy with some activity or project. This summer is no exception.

I finished school the last week of June. Two days later my friend from Seattle and her husband visited us, ending with the surprise birthday party Tim threw for me. The rest of that week was spent with family who had come into town for the party. The next week we went camping in the Adirondacks. The next week we spent in Montrose teaching the SuperDoc seminar to 1-4th graders at Kids Kamp, and the next week (last week) we again stayed in Pennsylvania to teach a Walk Thru the Bible seminar at a VBS there. In between all of those excursions we came home for weekends to do the laundry, weed the garden, freeze a few beans and enjoy all the Sunday activities including the Women’s Outreach informational meeting, praise team etc. etc. I tell you my schedule not to get pity or respect but rather as an introduction to this verse that Paul wrote.

The first chapter of 2 Corinthians contains Paul’s apologies for not coming to visit them as he had anticipated. Those in Corinth were obviously NOT pleased that Paul did not follow through with his expected visit. However, Paul reminded them that he did not make plans lightly, but sometimes God has plans which we do not know about. Therefore, we can make all the plans we want to, but God has the final say in what plans actually become reality. As I read the verse above (1:20), I thought, “What in the world does that have to do with the preceding verses?” I have pondered it for a few days, and here is what I think.

We can and should make plans. However, as I stated earlier, we need to remember that God’s plans may be different than ours. Therefore, our day, week, and even life may be radically different than we planned for it to be. However, God does not plan our lives randomly. His “Yes-plans” for our lives includes promises which he makes to us. Promises based in what is best for our lives. Promises based in what others need from us. This is the basis of the “Yes-plans” that God allows to happen in our lives. We then have a choice as to how we respond to the plans God has for our lives.

We could get angry or bitter. We could turn our back on God. However, Paul encourages us to say “Amen” for the glory of God. “Amen” means “Let it be so.” Not only does it relinquish all control over the plan God has for our lives, but it also seems to show quite a peaceful attitude, doesn’t it? “Let it be so” that I did not get the raise I wanted. “Let it be so” that I did not get to go on the vacation I planned. Or, even more difficult, “Let it be so” that something happened to my child, best friend or husband. “Let it be so.” “Amen.” Why do we give the control to God? For the glory of God. To make God famous.

We must make our plans. However, we must also realize that God’s plans may be extremely different than our plans, and our attitude should be “Amen” to the glory of God. God’s “Yes-plans” occur for our good and for God’s glory. I am not saying that is easy. Lately one woman has shared with me a few horrible accidents which have occurred in the last month to various people she loves. I can’t answer the “Why” question which we all fight with. I am also not saying that when something disastrous occurs in my life I will automatically react by saying, “’Let it be so’ to the glory of God. “ However, I think that is the attitude we should pray for.

The summer will continue, and I will continue to pray about plans as we make them. However, we all must realize that we should hold our plans lightly. God may have different “yes-plans” for us. May God help us glorify him as we say, “’Amen’ to the glory of God” to his “yes-plans” for our lives.

Yesterday was an “up-down” day. How in the world do you explain to an 8 year old the concept of not feeling guilty over his joy when someone close to him is in mourning? I could see Ryan’s “wheels turning” as grappled with the verse “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Why?

That afternoon I had taken Ryan to a doctor’s appointment where they took his cast off!! The xray showed it had healed well. He was so excited to be able to move his arm. In fact, in the doctor’s office he started doing jumping jacks just to see if he could do them! He also could not wait to jump into the pool. It has been a long 7 weeks of avoiding water. However, when we got home Caleb met us at the door with tears in his eyes.

Caleb’s pet hamster, Bob, died. Caleb went to feed him and noticed that Bob did not come out to greet him like he usually does. It was a shock for Caleb to find him cold and stiff.

And so, we had a mixture of emotions running through the house. Extreme excitement and joy in one boy and deep sorrow in another. Thus we talked about the Romans 12 verse. I’m not sure they “got” it. I’m not sure I completely understand it. However, as the mom, I acutely felt the emotion of each boy. Perhaps, when the emotion is based in love it is easy to feel whatever a person around us is feeling. How in the world do you teach that to children?!?

We went camping in the Adirondacks. Talk about relaxing! No schedule. No phone. No computer. We made meals when we were hungry; we went to bed when we were tired. Since we were there with two other families, we spent a lot of time just “hanging out.” It was wonderful.

One night at sunset Miriam and I took the canoe out on the lake. As we paddled around on the perfectly calm, mirror-like water, we watched a gorgeous pink and peach sunset in a clear blue sky. The peaceful dark green, tree-covered mountains surrounding the lake added to the beauty. Multiple times we stopped paddling and listened to the bull frogs croaking and birds singing. As I observed God’s creation existing in such a peaceful and beautiful way, I had a thought. This same creation, including the birds, bullfrogs, mountains and lake existed the night before. It would exist, Lord willing, the next night. In fact, it had existed thousands of evenings without me ever seeing it. So much beauty. So much peace. Without any need of human maintenance.

Why? Perhaps God loves his creation to just “be.” He created this beauty. He created this peace. How many times do I run around serving him without pausing to just “be” for God? I am not saying that serving God with actions is wrong. Obviously, that is a great way to praise and thank him. However, perhaps God is more interested in who we are for him than what we do for him. When God looks at the Adirondack scenic view, he does not marvel at its accomplishments. Instead, he enjoys the beauty he created. What does he think when he looks at our lives? Would he really marvel at all of our accomplishments? Doubtful. How could the all-powerful, wise God be amazed at our wisdom and service? I think, rather, that God looks at who we are. Are we a beautiful view which reflects God’s magnificence? Are we “being” for God?

My experience with Miriam on the lake reminded me that, even though I knew I would return home to many responsibilities, I need to keep that picture of the Adirondack lake evening in the forefront of my mind. God created me to “be” for him. He’s not impressed with my actions. Rather, my life should be a reflection of his beauty.

Yesterday started out as I anticipated, but it ended far differently. Last week I told you my friend from Seattle, Mary Jayne, was coming to visit with her husband. We had a wonderful weekend. Monday afternoon the plan was for she and I to go out for a late lunch, relax with an hour massage and then come back to a dinner cooked by Greg and Tim (Greg is a fantastic cook). As Mary Jayne and I returned from a relaxing afternoon, we turned the corner onto our road and I saw rows of cars parked in our side yard. Then I knew…

Apparently Tim had the idea months ago to plan a surprise 40th birthday party for me. So, for the last few months he, Chriss and Andy have been in cahoots planning a memorable evening. As I looked at the rows of cars, I turned to Mary Jayne and said, “Do I know that many people?” Over 100 people, including many of our church family, my brother and his family from western New York, my brother-in-law and his family from central Pennsylvania, my mother-in-law and brother-in-law from Virginia, and friends from Binghamton, gathered at our home for a cookout. I was stunned that that many people cared enough to take an evening away to come to a birthday party for me. I was also amazed at the love of my friends who worked so hard to NOT tell me about this event (I wondered why, the day before, so many people avoided me at church!). And so I say a heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who came (and to those who planned the event - including my parents and the Odells who did so much work to make it happen and feed that many people). Although it may have just been “one more thing on the calendar” for many of you, it will be an incredible memory for me.

All that to say…this morning as I was thanking God for all of you and for my wonderful, thoughtful husband, I read 1 Corinthians 1. Usually I read these openings of biblical letters as they are written, so, in my mind, it sounds as if I am writing them and my spirit then prays for and thanks God for all of you who I know. However, today as I read in the mood of amazement-that-God-loved-me-and- blessed-me-with-so-many-wonderful-people-in-my-life, I read the passage differently. Here’s what I read:

“For in him I have been enriched in every way – in all my speaking and in all my knowledge - because the apostles’ testimony about Christ was confirmed in me. Therefore I do not lack any spiritual gift as I eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will keep me strong to the end, so that I will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called me into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.”

It sounds different, doesn’t it, to make it personal? It made me the receiver of God’s love and gifts. It confirmed the thoughts I was feeling about God’s love for me. Read it for yourself – as if Paul is actually writing to you. Can you believe God loves us that much? You lack no spiritual gift that he wants you to have. You will be strong to the end and stand blameless in front of Jesus. God is faithful to you. God loves you. That’s amazing. Most of our lives are filled with our jobs, family and mundane, everyday activities. Yesterday God gave me a gift of showing his love through people. Thank you, God; thank you, friends. I am blessed.

2. We own a lizard. Do you remember my children begging for a pet (they wanted a dog?) Well, last year I tried the Venus Fly Trap as a pet for Ryan’s birthday. That lived all of about a month. I think perhaps the kids fed it too many flies! Anyway, this year at Caleb’s lizard-themed birthday party, one of his friends gave him an Anole lizard. We gave Ryan the tank etc. so it would be a family pet. Now I will make weekly trips to the pet store for live crickets!

3. I turned 40. Yep. 40. One friend, when I told him I was turning 40 stated, “Wow, you are on your way downhill from here, huh?” Very encouraging! LOL I have had mixed emotions, and I’ll admit this birthday has been kind of a hard one. Oh well, life goes on! I woke up on my 40th birthday wanting to do something different so….

4. I got my first manicure! Nope, I have never gone someplace to have it done. However, Miriam had a gift certificate someone had given her to a place in the mall. So, I suggested that she and I do a Mom-daughter outing where she could get her nails done (with her certificate) and I would get mine done (no, I didn’t make her use her certificate on me!! lol). I couldn’t understand the Asian woman very well, so she ended up just pointing to pictures and I agreed without knowing exactly what was happening. It was pretty funny.

5. My friend Mary Jayne is coming. I have only one friend from college that I really have any semblance of keeping up with. The last time I saw her was 2 ½ years ago when Tim and I flew to Seattle for her wedding. She has never met Ryan or Caleb (she came to Dallas to see us when I was pregnant with Ryan). However, they decided to vacation in NYC this week. So, they are renting a car and coming up here for the weekend, and I am very excited to see her again. Yea!!

So, those are this week’s highlights of my life in a nutshell. We’ll see what next week brings!